Strange Relationship
by Ysellyra Tunnelly
Summary: Disclaimer: I own nothing.


STRANGE RELATIONSHIP 

Do you love me?  
Or am I just another trip in this strange relationship?

Oh, Severus, how can we keep doing this? How?

You push and pull me  
and I'm about to loose my mind  
Is this just a waste of time  
keep acting like you own me  
I keep running, watch me walking out that door  
I hear you behind me

I've got to let go, Severus, I've got to. Please, just let me go without a fight. This is hard enough as it is.

But I know you won't let me go. I know you too well, Severus, far, far too well. I know that you can't stand people who have their shirts untucked, you despise they way people whistle in waiting rooms, and you love the way my hair falls around my face when I'm concentrating.

You've told me all this, but you've never told me what I wanted to know.

Why, Severus, why?

Why me? Why you? Why now? Why do I feel this? Why do I love you? Why does this hurt so much? Why?

I get so angry sometimes, Severus. So angry. With myself, for falling in love with the one person I couldn't have. You're so unavailable, and yet so attainable. So… mesmerising, so amazing, so intoxicating.

Gimme that strange relationship  
Never felt pleasure and pain like this  
Something so right but it feels so terribly wrong  
I keep holding on

But I can't keep being mesmerised, amazed, intoxicated with you. I've fallen in love with you, why can't I just fall out of love with you?

Please, let me be. Finally, just let me be.

This isn't easy you know. It hurts me just as much as it hurts you. More so. I've never been in love before, never been out of love. You have. You had a fiancé, you told me this. You told me how you were both so in love, and then the Dark Lord killed her because he was angry with you. How you've never forgiven yourself.

You told me this, once. Before you turned cold.

Before you shut down, you told me all these little secrets as we lay asleep after making love, eyes squeezed tightly shut as we gave in and told each other every little detail, hands, legs, hearts entangled.

Gimme that strange relationship  
One of us gotta let go of this  
I keep pushing and you keep holding on

I'm already gone…

Why did we stop doing that? That was so nice. It was the best moments of my life when you would open up and talk so freely. It was amazing to know I was the only one you did this with.

And then… you stopped.

One night as we lay there coming down from our high, you turned around so your back was facing me. I touched your shoulder, but you shrugged me off. In the morning you acted like your old self, caring and gentle. But it was never the same from there, Severus. There was always this iciness, this air of formality about us.

A few months later we'd gotten to the stage where you'd clean up and go and sleep on the couch after we'd had sex. It scared me, so so much.

It scared me the way you shrugged me off, but it scared me ever more the way you wouldn't talk about it, wouldn't act differently the morning after.

Maybe that's why I have to do this, Severus. I'm scared.

I'm fucking scared shitless.

Do you love me?  
We break up and back together  
And I swore to myself never

I told myself one morning that I'd leave you. That that night I wouldn't sneak down to your rooms like I had every night for the last six months.

Six months, three weeks, two days, twenty one hours and eleven minutes. See how obsessed I was?

Yeah, it scared me too.

So I didn't go down that night. And you didn't come looking for me. I thought, good, he's gone now, back on with your life, Granger. But the next day I had potions. And you were lecturing in your sexy, sensual voice that sounds so beautiful when it gasps my name late at night.

Oh, what that voice does to me.

Oh how you do me  
You strip me of my honour  
And I don't ever think I'm gonna  
Break free of these mind games  
All I'm trying to do is modify my plan  
'Cause I can't contain you

You made me want to jump you then and there, have you push me against the wall like you had so many times, ravish my neck before taking me to your chambers. But I held back.

After class you asked me to stay behind to 'discuss an assignment'.

You asked me why I didn't come last night. You said you'd been lonely without your little lion to keep you warm in the night.

Is that all I am to you, I said, a hot water bottle and a quick shag?

No, no, you denied it all. I love you, please, I just missed you. You and your heart, and your mouth and your…

Severus, I'm disgusted at what you say sometimes. And yet I find it so incredibly sexy. So incredibly, amazingly, brilliantly sexy when you say those dirty words.

I'd read in books how your partner speaking dirty could arouse you, but I didn't think it worked.

Oh, how wrong I was.

Gimme that strange relationship  
Never felt pleasure and pain like this  
Something so right but it feels so terribly wrong  
I keep holding on

So I came the next night. And the next, and the next, and every night, so that we could scream each others names into the night and then lie in silence, cold, callous, hungry, desperate silence.

Gimme that strange relationship  
One of us gotta let go of this  
I keep pushing and you keep holding on

I'm already gone…

And you wonder why I'm scared.

You ask why I'm acting odd, why so quiet, you ask. What ever happened to my feisty little Gryffindor lion?

Well, Severus, she went and played in the serpents lair. And guess what?

She got bitten.

She got bitten, and now that serpents poison is coursing through her, thrumming through her body as she tries to stay away but is drawn back to that serpent.

You keep acting like you own me  
I can't control me  
You said you never really wanted me back

I told you I wanted out, this was weeks ago, but I did say it.

And you said Fine, go back to the little shit house you crawled from. I never loved you anyway. Even as you said those words, those filthy, rotten words, I was getting aroused by your voice.

I was sick. Sick, sick, sick.

I disgusted myself.

You abused me mentally and I ran back to you with arms wide open.

And then you abused me physically.

Well maybe if that's a fact  
May I suggest  
A brand new plan of attack

I didn't realise it then, but all those times I said no, and you said c'mon, baby, where's my sexy lion, I want to play, and pushed me on the bed and took off my clothes while I lay there disgusted with my own arousal.

That was abuse, Severus. I see it now.

I've read about it, talked about, written about it, for fucks sake. And yet I still couldn't recognise it when it happened to me.

Stupid. So stupid I was.

And in the fizzle that you're hard to crack  
You're way off track  
I want you back, I want you gone  
Baby I'm sick of holding on

So stupid. I realise what's happened now.

All very cunning, wasn't it, Severus?

Bait me, lure me in, feed then throw back my dead carcass.

And yet I still love you.

You're the reason, Severus, why I feel this way.

You're the reason I can't sleep at night because my eyes are filled with the sting of a thousand unshed tears, why I sit on the bathroom floor and carve pointless patterns into my legs with a razor blade.

You're my reason.

Do you love me?  
Or am I just another trip in this strange relationship?

I know you don't love me. But because I still love you, I'm going to keep hoping, keep coming back each night to see if you won't, for once, turn away from me in bed.

Gimme that strange relationship  
Never felt pleasure and pain like this  
Something so right but it feels so terribly wrong  
I keep holding on

Oh, how you do me, Severus. How you completely and utterly do me. You fuck with me, mentally, physically, emotionally. Then leave me to pick up the pieces.

That's all I am to you, isn't it? Some toy, a puzzle you can't work out, so you look at the pretty picture on the front of the box and throw the pieces of the puzzle around the room.

And yet that puzzle is always there, hidden under all the other junk in your head, waiting, praying, hoping to be picked up and put back together.

Because that puzzle, that lion with the serpents poison, that endlessly aroused girl you seek at night loves you.

Gimme that strange relationship  
One of us gotta let go of this  
I keep pushing and you keep holding on

Because I love you.

So I'm not leaving now. I probably never will, I'll go on being that procession of yours forever until one day I break. But I won't break easily, Severus. It's going to take a lot more than a few knocks and bruises to shake me off, let me tell you that now.

So I'm going to go down to your chambers every night and scream your name and lie awake until the early hours of the morning, hoping, just hoping, you might turn around and hold me like you used to.

I'm already gone

Because I realise now that while you never really left, I was always alone.

I was left stranded alone in my love, where no one could save me because I had already drowned in it, drowned in such ecstasy.

Because I love you.

'Strange Relationship' – Darren Hayes.


End file.
